Something happens every once in a while that, when it does, you want to record and relive it every second of every day for the rest of your life.
It can happen in a coffee shop, by a river, on a plane, in the morning, in the stillness of the night, in a bar, drunk, sober, during a breakup, amidst heartache, in celebrations and through tears.
I don’t know how or why, but once in a while, I feel God.
I usually find myself thinking about life, and where its taking me, and then all of the sudden, I feel it. I feel Him. I feel Her. I feel this force that spun the galaxies and stirs the ocean currents. Its overwhelming, and I usually do well to hold back tears, but its peaceful.
I overthink everything. If there’s four ways to think about a problem, I spend time thinking about it in eight ways. I can every scenario of life and simultaneously play out every possible conclusion in my head, usually convincing myself that the worst ones will be my path.
Here I am in Thailand, at a school I hardly even took seriously until mere days before arriving. I come with baggage and burdens, as all do. I come with the expectation that this will teach me a few interesting things, beef up my photography/videography skills, and then I’ll leave with a chapter to add to the book of my life.
The problems of life, home, relationships, God, love, sin, its all still with me. It all still plagues me. It all still exists. But, once in a while, when I least expect it, I feel it. I feel that peace. I feel that assurance that everything will work out, that it all has a place in my life where it fits perfectly.
When people make the mistake of asking me for advice or for my opinion, I usually know what to say. I know how to make them feel better, and to move their thought process onto something more vague and positive. However, I know myself. Because I know myself, I can’t console myself. I just keep everything in, locked away, buried deep, until it boils out and I have a silent, undetectable, existential meltdown. I don’t know what to do then. I just suffer through it, and learn to familiarize myself with the pain, so much so that I come to welcome it and find it comforting.
It is then, that I feel it.
That peace.
It sends chills down my body, floods my mind with memories, soothes my soul, and drowns me in a love for life that I often lose and subsequently long for.
I wish I could trap it, save it, and keep it near, but I can’t. It has to come fresh. Though it often feels the same, its not. It is almost as if its “custom built” for the moment. Whatever size the hole is in my soul, its the perfect fit.
Its indescribable.
It cannot be imitated
replicated
reproduced
saved
recorded
relived
revived
It has to be God.
It has to be that force that hold humanity together, despite our constant tugging and pulling apart. It isn’t a chemical. It cannot be studied or seen.
It has to be God.
Now what does it mean?
I have no idea.
Often, I feel God, and its amazing for a while, but then life happens and the memory of the moment fades into times.
What do I do with it?
I have no idea.
I wish I could harness it and plow through life with a confidence and self-assurance that people so often long for. Right now though, I haven’t had that. Maybe I will one day, but right now, nope.
I never know when or where these moments will happen, but I do know that they come at the perfect time. They come when I least expect them, but need them the most.
Maybe I will come out of this season will a handle on this peace, or whatever it is? I sure hope so. If not, I will still be okay. They will still happen, I trust, and I will keep pushing through life day-by-day, until this peace takes me home.
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