More Than A Feeling (Not the song by Boston)

Something happens every once in a while that, when it does, you want to record and relive it every second of every day for the rest of your life.

It can happen in a coffee shop, by a river, on a plane, in the morning, in the stillness of the night, in a bar, drunk, sober, during a breakup, amidst heartache, in celebrations and through tears. 

I don’t know how or why, but once in a while, I feel God. 

I usually find myself thinking about life, and where its taking me, and then all of the sudden, I feel it. I feel Him. I feel Her. I feel this force that spun the galaxies and stirs the ocean currents. Its overwhelming, and I usually do well to hold back tears, but its peaceful. 

I overthink everything. If there’s four ways to think about a problem, I spend time thinking about it in eight ways. I can every scenario of life and simultaneously play out every possible conclusion in my head, usually convincing myself that the worst ones will be my path. 

Here I am in Thailand, at a school I hardly even took seriously until mere days before arriving. I come with baggage and burdens, as all do. I come with the expectation that this will teach me a few interesting things, beef up my photography/videography skills, and then I’ll leave with a chapter to add to the book of my life. 

The problems of life, home, relationships, God, love, sin, its all still with me. It all still plagues me. It all still exists. But, once in a while, when I least expect it, I feel it. I feel that peace. I feel that assurance that everything will work out, that it all has a place in my life where it fits perfectly. 

When people make the mistake of asking me for advice or for my opinion, I usually know what to say. I know how to make them feel better, and to move their thought process onto something more vague and positive. However, I know myself. Because I know myself, I can’t console myself. I just keep everything in, locked away, buried deep, until it boils out and I have a silent, undetectable, existential meltdown. I don’t know what to do then. I just suffer through it, and learn to familiarize myself with the pain, so much so that I come to welcome it and find it comforting. 

It is then, that I feel it. 

That peace. 

It sends chills down my body, floods my mind with memories, soothes my soul, and drowns me in a love for life that I often lose and subsequently long for. 

I wish I could trap it, save it, and keep it near, but I can’t. It has to come fresh. Though it often feels the same, its not. It is almost as if its “custom built” for the moment. Whatever size the hole is in my soul, its the perfect fit. 

Its indescribable. 

It cannot be imitated

replicated

reproduced

saved

recorded

relived

revived

It has to be God. 

It has to be that force that hold humanity together, despite our constant tugging and pulling apart. It isn’t a chemical. It cannot be studied or seen. 

It has to be God.

Now what does it mean? 

I have no idea. 

Often, I feel God, and its amazing for a while, but then life happens and the memory of the moment fades into times. 

What do I do with it?

I have no idea. 

I wish I could harness it and plow through life with a confidence and self-assurance that people so often long for. Right now though, I haven’t had that. Maybe I will one day, but right now, nope. 

I never know when or where these moments will happen, but I do know that they come at the perfect time. They come when I least expect them, but need them the most. 

Maybe I will come out of this season will a handle on this peace, or whatever it is? I sure hope so. If not, I will still be okay. They will still happen, I trust, and I will keep pushing through life day-by-day, until this peace takes me home. 

Wedding Dress

If this post reads like a hodgepodge of random thought and confusing analysis, its because that’s what it is. Hence the name of my entire blog… But still, as is the usual, I apologize in advance. I also, much to the chagrin of every English professor I've ever had, never read over my writing. I already delete 95% of the things I write because the moment after I write them, they seem ridiculous. So this is me pushing stuff out before I have a chance to delete it. With all that said, good luck. 

When people ask me what my favorite verse or Bible story is, without hesitation, I go to Ezekiel 16. 

Go read it. Its interesting. In fact, its so interesting, that some Jews refused to read it because of how “interesting” it is. Seriously, go read it and then come back here.

.

.

.

.

Crazy, huh? 

I love it. I love it, but I also hate it. I hate it because its so depressing,. I love it because its so depressing. Depressing, yet exciting. Depressing, yet, dare I say, hopeful. 

Its graphic for a reason. Its graphic because its about us. Well, its about Israel, technically, but us as well. We are the child in the desert. Here we are, little nothings on the big blue Earth. We’re thrashing around in our desert lives, left out to shrivel and die. Sadly, a lot of people do just that. Maybe not literally, but figuratively that’s all most do in life. They, and by they I also mean myself, go through life trying to do everything on our own. We try to be successful on our own. We try to learn on our own, find our own way, do our own thing, love what we choose, love who we choose.

Love who we choose. 

Dang. 

That’s me. That’s us. That’s the woman in Ezekiel 16. That’s the church. That’s not okay.

I can’t speak for other peoples’ lives, but I can for mine. 

I do all of those things. I’m the woman in the story. To God, to others, and to myself. And the worst part is…I’m aware of it. 

One of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life, is watching someone go out of my life, and into someone else’s who cares so little about them and has nothing to give. That hurts. When you know you can love someone better than anyone else, but they go, still. 

Here’s why Ezekiel 16 is my favorite, because I’m both characters in the story. I’m the man who rescues the child and wants to give her everything she ever needs, only to have her give herself to others. I’m also the child as a woman, who throws herself to those who only want to take and hurt. Its a strange situation, I suppose, to play both the protagonist, and antagonist, but its a magic trick I seem quite adept at pulling off. 

So how does one who hurts others who care about them, but who is also hurt by others who they care so much for, untangle themselves? 

“Good question, Nathan.”

Thanks Nathan! I wish I knew! 

“Wedding Dress,” by Derek Webb, is a song that highlights that exact question.

Go listen to it. Seriously. Then come back.

.

.

.

.

Feel like crap after that song? Good, that means the intention of the song got through. 

Its humbling. God loves us, has everything for us, will do anything for us, yet we try to get his love elsewhere. We throw God on like he’s a magic fix-it-all, when sometimes, we have to deal with the consequences of our actions.

Its Paul sneaking up on us through Romans 7:15. We know what is right, but that’s not what we do. Why? 

If I could somehow take every intellectual though I have about what to do in life, and actually do it, I’d be in a very good place. But no, we have emotions, desires, and wants. Things that make life better, but also just seem to pester us. We see a decision that needs to be made, and go “Yeah, that’s the right choice I should make! I’ll do it!” Do we? Of course we don’t. I don’t. I make the choice that I know I will regret, but in the moment, its the short term satisfaction that distracts and bids be come forth. 

I give love to the wrong people, and get uneasy when people that God sends my way, try to show His love to me. I’m repulsed, but politely, at least. 

God has rescued me from the desert, cleaned me up, dressed me in the finest clothes, and wants only for me to love him as much as he loves me. But I just can’t seem to do that. Its a switch I can't flip, an intellectual conclusion I can’t reach, a mountain I can't climb. I want to love people like God loves people. I want to choose God’s love over the waining and fleeting love of others. 

I don’t imagine its an easy thing to do, otherwise no one would ever have these problems. Ezekiel 16 wouldn’t exist as an example. 

Stretching

Thailand. I never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d be here for two and a half months. I never thought I’d be stretched like I’ve been stretched. 

I had no idea what to expect when I came here. I had some ideas. Learning new skills, being immersed in a new culture, spiritual growth, I could’ve named all that before I got here. I’ve been sideswiped by the time. Usually when you know you will be experiencing something outside your comfort zone, you can mentally prep for it. You can shut everything down and focus intensely on getting through a challenge unscathed. What you can't plan for, however, is the endurance. I love being here, and I love the community that exists here. Its as close to what kind of community Jesus intended people to live in as we can get in today’s society. 

I underestimated how prepared I would need to be mentally and emotionally. 

I have far too little patience for others. Yet here I am learning patience.

I struggle even saying “I love you” to people. Love runs this entire place. 

I try to do everything on my own. My whole time here is spent as a part of a team. 

I hide my emotions and “disappear” from the world for a while. I am with people 95% of my time here.

I take people and relationships for granted back home. Being away brings a new meaning and so much more appreciation to everything I have back at home. 

Being so far for so long is one of the hardest, yet greatest, things a person can do. It pulls you out of your comfort zone, then makes no attempt to make life easy. Its not the family that I miss, although I do miss my family, its the lack of appreciation I had for them while I was there. This is a time of stretching. 

People don’t stretch for fun, they stretch so that when adversity comes, they won’t hurt themselves while battling through it. 

Life is a battle,………………………and I’ve never stretched. 

Relationships are hard,……………. and I’ve never stretched. 

Walking with God isn’t easy,……… and I’ve never stretched. 

Love is hard,……………………….. and I’ve never stretched. 

As I go through this time of stretching, I pray that isn’t doesn’t become easy, but that I can accept its importance. I pray that I can appreciate this opportunity. I pray that I can look into my life and be able to know how much this season will mean to me.